The Power of SO WHAT in Dealing with Caregiver Anxiety

David Hogan
Leeds, AL

Photo courtesy of healthywomen.org

I have been a caregiver to different family members with various forms of dementia since 2006. I've shut down businesses to take care of loved ones, and continued running them as well. I am now retired and take care of my father in law with Alzheimer's 24/7. He is the last parent living for my wife and I, and he is 90 years old.

I run a Birmingham Area Facebook Support Group for Caregivers where we try and support one another, and provide resources and information to help one another insure our loved ones are well cared for at home, and that we, as caregivers learn to support ourselves.

People often say you must have to take it one day at a time while caring for someone with Alzheimer's.  I respond by gently telling them, "No, it's more like one minute at a time, as things often change with little notice or warning."

With that knowledge of change, it can bring about a lot of anxiety for caregivers.  What do I mean by anxiety for the caregiver?  I'll give a few examples:

• When will he go to the bathroom?
• He hasn't been to the bathroom in three days do I start the laxative, and how much?
• When is the best time to give the laxative?
• Did I feed him the wrong things and cause him to be constipated?
• He doesn't want to get out of bed, but he needs to move so he won't stove up, do I just get him up anyway?
• I don't think he is answering me truthfully about pain and just trying to please me and not wanting to be a bother, do I call the doctor?

And ON and ON it goes, as caregivers know all too well that almost every decision they make may be criticized by other family members and even worse by their own self.  Yes, caregivers can get into a rut of second guessing everything they do in all decisions.  Why?

No one can beat up on us like ourselves, and caregivers often blame themselves for things they have no control over.  Alzheimer patients at home can become irritable through no fault of anyone, even with us doing all the reassuring, soothing, calm and other suggestions told to us by professionals.  That's just one example.  Yet, we as caregivers also know there is an expert about everything out there on the internet and in support groups, so we think we should know it all.

GET OVER IT, ALREADY! BEND LIKE THE PALM TREES!

Sometimes they go to the bathroom just because they went to the bathroom. SO WHAT?  Everyone goes to the bathroom! Aside from making sure they are eating nutritious food, drinking plenty of water, getting ample movement, get over it already.  They will go when they go, and as long as it's not beyond what your doctor says is a reasonable interval, just deal with it when it happens.

Anxiety is feeling helpless over something.  Responsible acceptance is one of the answers to cope with caregiver anxiety.  If you know you are doing all the things doctors and experts are telling you to do, and paying close attention to things, accept that this is a horrible disease, and that you are like a palm tree in a hurricane that doesn't break because you can bend and know that not only are you doing the best that you can, but that you make a difference in the care of another human being.